Satirical Spectator: Student Uses Honor System as Personal Closet
The Honor Guard
On a brisk spring term morning, the blissfully naïve Matthew Mesisklis awakens to his beautiful Washington and Lee campus in the idyllic Shenandoah Valley. “Ah, what a wonderful morning it is,” he announces to the world as he dons his decade-old athleisure attire and Ikea backpack before walking proudly out of his village townhouse. What the buffoon failed to realize was he left his swipe in his room.
Upon entering dining hall, the man spies his history textbook, sweatshirt, and earbuds thinking good, right where I left you, then continues onward, leaving his clutter in commons. Matt is so used to forgetting his swipe that he knows how to charge himself for breakfast via his ID number.
Following lunch, the dolt heads to Leyburn to work on his research paper, but a problem has arisen: a Srat girl has occupied his normal spot – the lumpy couch in the corner of Main floor. The boy pauses, unsure whether he wishes to disturb the unknown intruder. In the end, the large Greek man strides over to his couch, and following the speaking tradition, says “good morning, excuse me” and reaches into the “secret compartment” under the couch where he keeps his source material. “Have a good day,” he says as the studying woman looks on in wonder at the boy’s naïveté and crumbling flip-flops.
Sources in hand and bereft of his midday study spot, the lumbering oaf heads over to Newcomb Hall, his nocturnal habitat. Upon unplugging several lamps and plopping into a plush black chair, he realizes What?! This can’t be right! I’m certain I left a cup of coffee on this table last night. I planned on drinking that! My oh my, someone is in for an Honor Violation. He then reaches beneath the chair to find his laptop and begin working.
Some hours later and after class, he decides it time to exercise before heading home. “Gotta swol up” the imbecile says as he walks up to Doremus balcony, where he left his gym shoes and earbuds, before heading into the weight room. After completing his workout, the Hellene realized it began raining like mad. After a sprint across Canaan Green, he retrieved his sweater from Commons and began the trek homeward.
Upon returning to the Village after a long day of work, Troglodyte Mesisklis stumbles up to his townhouse, remembering he forgot his swipe this morning.
So what’s next, you ask – An embarrassing call to public safety? An annoying text to the apartment GroupMe? Nonsense! The Matt is far too intelligent for these shenanigans, for he leaves his key in the door.
“Checkmate, W&L” he says, proudly returning to whence he came.