Satirical Spectator: Environmental Warrior
The Green Giant – Environmental Warrior
Reports have spiked over the past month of an unknown man lurking the buildings of Washington and Lee in the deep shadows of the night. Hero to some, villain to others, this unseen stranger has seemingly taken SEAL (the Student Environmental Action League)’s October agenda perhaps too seriously. As many know, SEAL has done good work on campus, reducing the school’s carbon footprint by an undisclosed and unstudied amount, in addition to raising awareness to students in meetings, panels and group bonfire-talks scheduled 45 minutes before they occur.
This October, SEAL had set a positive goal for willing participants: change one aspect of your everyday life to “Go Green” for October. Unwilling to compromise his own destructive habits of eating meat on account of the carbon footprint of factory farming, this environmental warrior has decided to enforce the SEAL ultimatum upon the school. Unplugged lamps, microwaves, space-heaters, appliances, and Christmas lights lie strewn about Elrod Commons and Leyburn, with many barely-used computers and monitors displaying lifeless screens.
“I must conserve energy,” says the self-proclaimed Green Giant, “If I don’t unplug those endlessly-looping WLUR interviews, the environment is doomed for sure.”
Phrases like “I left my office 10 minutes ago, and now it’s freezing and the lamp is off” have escaped the lips of many PE teachers who rely on their destructive space-heaters for warmth in their Doremus offices.
Scanning the horizon of the colonnade, the Green Giant spots his next prey: a window shines light out of the second floor of Newcomb Hall. Rushing inside, he continues the fight to save the Earth and the school’s electric bill. Once his nightly rounds are concluded, he rests well, only to fight the good fight every night. Don’t let his contributions go to waste! Save the world! Join the Green Giant in his noble quest!
- The Conservative Conservationist Crusader