Satirical Spectator: Writer Dating Profile

by Publius

Age: 22

Hometown: Intercourse, Pennsylvania

Profession: Stand-up philosopher

Biggest asset: By volume, the airspace above my house

Worst fear: Communist spiders

Biggest role model: By size, Chris Christie. If we mean “most influential” role model, George Bush until he signed TARP……then my father

Best accomplishment: Tackling puberty and statistics class……. not simultaneously, though

Longest relationship: 11 miles on US route 441 (she threw me out of the car after the fourth Jefferson quote)

Second language: Spanish (sort of)

Current residence: Somewhere in the space-time continuum

Favorite quote: “If you’re smart, why ain’t you rich?” -Society

Pets: Two pugnacious pugs and one flabby tabby

Politics: Significantly right of Goldwater

Music preference: Anything that reminds me of Alan Greenspan, basically 80s and 90s rock

Hobbies: Aiding and abetting the Texas secession movement, evading taxes, collecting used Rick Santorum yard signs for Christmas decorations

What would you name your band? Grover Cleveland and the Marvelous Mugwumps

Favorite movie: Top Gun (if only for the soundtrack)

Favorite book read: Wealth of Nations (the only one really worth reading)

Secret liberal crush: Kristen Powers from Fox News

Friends: What friends? That’s why I’m here

Do you do drugs? Way too much Milton Friedman and FA Hayek on the weekends!

Favorite drink: Scotch soda, hold the scotch

Favorite website: Mark Levin’s podcast archive

Darkest secret: Poached a black bear after dark without a flashlight (used night vision)

Personality: Eighteenth-century aristocrat

Advice to younger people: Use deodorant at least bi-weekly

Religion: Dis-orthodox Christian

Favorite holiday: Whenever my tax refund arrives.