Satirical Spectator
By Andrew Fox '16 Ban on on-campus hoverboarding leaves students with no choice but to hoverboard off-campus
Reports are filing in that the recent ban on on-campus hoverboarding has not limited the number of students hoverboarding, as the administration had hoped; rather, it has compelled students to partake in more off-campus hoverboarding. When asked to comment on this emerging phenomenon, junior Mickey Gorman noted, “Look, if you’re a student at Washington and Lee, of course you love to hoverboard. You love to hoverboard at the fraternity houses, you love to hoverboard during o-week, you love to hoverboard during Christmas weekend.” This sentiment is far from unique. According to a recent strawpoll, many students went on record saying that they enjoyed going out and hoverboarding 3-4 nights a week during the semester. More so, this strawpoll fails to account for the spring term, when many seniors will spring option in order to hoverboard 6-7 days per week. Banning hoverboarding on-campus has led to a boon in the Lexington real estate industry, as many landlords have filled their houses with students looking to get in on the burgeoning off-campus hoverboarding scene. In fact, many students regard off-campus hoverboarding as one of the defining worthwhile aspects of W&L. Of course the administration was quick to point out the numerous fun activities with absolutely no health risks at all that are still allowed on-campus, such as drinking from fourth-floor Leyburn’s water-fountains or collecting mold from Woods Creek. NOTE: We here at The Spectator would like to remind everyone that we maintain a “pro-hoverboarding” stance.
Administration Announces Moratorium on Your Complaints - All Grievances will now be Handled by the Director of Intramurals’ Office, Please hold for the next Millennia
In a sweeping decision, the administration agreed to issue a moratorium on “all your complaints.” From now on, the administration will hear absolutely none of your qualms, regardless of their severity. Fourth-year housing? No. Toilet paper quality? No. The 7 DEA agents staked out behind D-hall? Not in your life! Grievances will now be safely entrusted in the trustful arms of the trustworthy intramural department. Referred to as “streamlining,” all complaints will be submitted through the university website, printed up in Early-Fielding, stuffed in a burlap sack, fastened to a dying animal, and dumped outside the IM director’s door to slowly await the end of days. “Yeah I filed a complaint with the IM director regarding the mold in Woods Creek,” mentioned one disgruntled student, “after weeks of ignoring my emails he finally responds and tells me he’ll have a full response shortly. Long story short about a month later I get an email saying I should submit my team’s application for flag football by February 5th. Turns out flag football ended in October.” In response to the deliberate nature of the IM director complaint hotline, the school offers these suggestions to pass the time: retaking alcohol edu, watching paint dry, or enrolling at W&L law. If that’s not all, for those who feel the hotline is wasting their time, the WLU bookstore will be running a time buyback table all week, offering a refund of 2 seconds for every eon spent.
Chairman Mr. McRuscio announces decade-long feud between Stone Cold “Deen” Evans and Greek “Life” Holmes will come to an End this Sunday night at Wrestlemania
Today Chairman of Operations Mr. McRuscio issued an announcement that echoed throughout the W&L universe: one last time, Evans vs. Greek Life at the granddaddy of them all, Wrestlemania. Employing his trademark snarl, Mr. McRuscio told a sold out Washington Hall crowd, “You want your match?... Well YOU’VE GOT IT!!!” as the entire stadium erupted in a massive “YES!” chant. “MAH GAWDDD!!! King, did he just say what I think he said?!” cried play-by-play commentator Jim Ross to his partner Jerry “The King” Lawler before declaring, “you’ve seen it here folks, Mr McRuscio is not messing around. THE BATTLE LINES HAVE BEEN DRAWN!” In a live event already packed with dream matchups, long-standing rivals Greek Life and Evans will rise above the rest and square off in a retirement match: career vs. career, two fighters enter, one leaves. The big question going into the match will be how Greek Life hopes to combat Stone Cold “Deen” Evans’ deadly submission holds acronymically known as the SAC and the SFHB. As of this Tuesday, no wrestler has ever successfully escaped these submission holds. However, the fact that the match will be No-Disqualification should play into Greek life’s favor since the use of items like tables, ladders, chairs, kegs, liquor bottles, paddles, and yes, even hoverboards, will be legal. No word from either contestant yet, at press time both were receiving medical attention following a brutal barbed wire vacuum cleaner cage match.